i don’t hate men. i just hate what love did to women.
romance, rejection, and the painful realization that adam from girls kinda sucked
If you know me personally, you know I’m a certified man-hater (you can trademark that). I even wrote an entire Substack post about it — but maybe that was overkill, because here’s the truth: I don’t actually hate men. I love the seemingly perfect ones that grace my screen and say the right things to win over the stubborn female lead. What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic.
As a little girl, you grow up believing Mr. Right will eventually come find you, sweep you off your feet, and take you far, far away from your boring life. Your life doesn’t really start until you meet him — and in the meantime, you just kind of wander around bumping into things.
Mr. Right is funny, smart, gainfully employed, takes you out on actual dates, and calls when he says he’s going to. He’s not cheating, not emotionally unavailable, and he’s weirdly obsessed with you — to the point of it being semi-annoying. As I get older, I realize either being stubborn isn’t “sexy” like it is in the movies, or Mr. Right is a myth. Considering I’m a woman and therefore always right, I’m going with the latter.
Oh dearly beloved, sweet Aidan Shaw. Carrie didn’t deserve you. Who wouldn’t want a 6’5” handsome man with an actual adult job who builds furniture and loves you?
Haters will say Edward Cullen is abusive, and maybe they have a point, but I disagree. You’re just not evolved like me, sorry. Who wouldn’t want pure love and devotion and a dramatic suicide attempt because he thought you died? (Kidding. Mostly.)
When I was fifteen, I watched Girls on HBO for the first time and thought it changed my life. Adam and Hannah seemed perfect for each other. He was attentive — most of the time — funny, and attractive in a strange, wounded-dog sort of way. But rewatching it now? He didn’t have a full-time job, pushed her boundaries constantly, and was flat-out selfish. Lena Dunham might be one of the most annoying white women on the planet, but she can write the hell out of a show. That one scene where Hannah says she’s tired of being self-aware and wants to be happy? Still hits.
As I rewatch shows like this, I can’t help but think about my own life and how much growing I still have left to do. Why do I find the always-angry, emotionally stunted men attractive? And what does it say about me?
I’ve never known love to be easy. I’ve never seen anyone close to me experience a relationship that didn’t come with cheating, lying, abuse, or just… silence. Eventually, the woman caves — not out of love, but out of fear of being alone. And the compromise always falls on her. It’s her career. Her time. Her money.
Love just always seemed like a punishment for women. So I never thought it was worth the effort.
I also just haven’t met anyone worth trying for. I don’t have the emotional capacity required for dating. I don’t think most men are that funny or that interesting. And I have no interest in sifting through garbage just to find a diamond.
As little girls, we’re told “wait for your knight in shining armor — he’ll come for you!” But what if he doesn’t? Or what if he does, and he’s an asshole? Why should I wait for someone to save me from my allegedly boring, unfulfilled life?
I think the most important work any woman can do in her life is redirect her energy positively — so she can pick the Aidan Shaws and Seth Cohens of the world. You deserve someone who is sure about you the first time your eyes meet — not someone who just settles because they can’t seem to get rid of you.