i used to think carrie was misunderstood. now i think she’s just avoidant.

on sex, the city, and the girl who made avoidance aspirational

I’m rewatching Sex and the City (as one does) and I’m finally realizing how much these women kind of suck. I know Carrie writes a sex column and her relationships are her thing, but damn, does this bitch have a hobby that’s not Mr. Big or smoking? The second time she breaks up with Big after he leaves for Paris, she spends weeks shit-talking him to her friends until they finally tell her to shut the hell up. Carrie thinks he’s so boring and so old and he has to be himself and she gets to be her and blah, blah, blah. The conversation was very reminiscent of a conversation I would have now with my friends at 23.

The most embarrassing scene in the second season is in the finale when she catches Big after his engagement party and asks, “Why wasn’t it me?” THEN, she says, “Your girl is lovely, Hubbell,” and when Big responds with obvious confusion (as a man does) she responds, “You never did understand.” Mind you, Carrie is in her early-30s. These are thoughts grown women should keep amongst their friends or in their heads.

Even so, I don’t fully buy into the idea that Mr. Big never loved Carrie. He obviously cares for her and enjoys her company. However, there’s subtle instances that make it clear he doesn’t really know Carrie. In Season 2, Big buys Carrie that god-awful sparkly bird purse and claims “It reminded me of you.” I think Mr. Big is like every man; he enjoyed having someone around that he felt smarter than. He liked Carrie because, yes, she was beautiful, wild and funny. During their arguments though, you can honestly tell he thought she was quite dumb or flat out naive. He talked down to her constantly and always dismissed her feelings. Carrie always turned into this helpless puddle around him. He tells her “you don’t understand” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about” and Carrie’s inner monologue is actually agreeing with him.

Emotionally unavailable men breadcrumb you to death until you finally say I’m sick of this. When Big saw that Carrie moved on he immediately did what he could to ruin it. He acted like his hands were tied when he decided to marry Natasha and all but shrugged his shoulders when Carrie found out. He knew Carrie wouldn’t be able to resist because maybe he would actually change this time for her. Maybe this time she’ll be worthy enough for him to establish their relationship. Even when they’re in a “committed relationship” throughout season 1 and 2, Big dismisses Carrie’s feelings constantly. He doesn’t take her seriously when she wants to meet his mother, when she says I love you finally and he doesn’t say it back or when she’s tired of him looking at other women. Big never did anything to reassure Carrie that he actually wanted to be with her, but Carrie clearly had insecurities and inadequacies that surpassed anything Big was capable of fixing. Carrie very much needed therapy, but even ruined that in season 2 by sleeping with an alcoholic she met in the office.

There’s instances where these women could have actually been happy. Carrie could have been very happy with Aidan, but she ruined it by cheating with Mr. Big. Carrie herself is not emotionally available. From one avoidant to another, I recognize the signs. Yes, Carrie is vocal about her feelings with Big, but plays emotional mind games first. It’s a vulnerability fake-out. You share select things to ease that sense of detachment and loneliness to feel as though you’re trying to connect, but you get to stay emotionally safe. It’s minimizing risk and maintaining control. Miranda and Samantha do this too, in fact, Charlotte is the only character that ends up truly happy because she goes all in. When Carrie has the opportunity to even be remotely happy she sabotages it because she feels emotionally unsafe. She knows what to expect with Mr. Big and deep down she knew he wouldn’t show up at the altar to marry her. She knew he wouldn’t want to move in with her. She chooses these things because I can guarantee it would hurt her a lot more if Aidan decided he suddenly didn’t want her, so she decides for him first.

As I rewatch shows I really had no business watching at 15, I realize how much these women actually suck. Miranda is a miserable, angry person, Carrie and Samantha are both insecure, male-identified women and Charlotte is the only one I actually like. Don’t even get me started on the women of Girls. They are such awful people and even shittier friends. Hannah Horvath is the entire reason I took a step back and finally realized my self-loathing comes across as narcissism. Self-obsession is only cool in your 20s and starts to get tacky in your 30s. Carrie Bradshaw the millennial, hipster nerd generation would have loved your newsletter.