my therapist says i daydream too much
notes from a lifelong delusional optimist
Always a Dreamer
I’ve always been a dreamer. Thinking about the future is the only thing that ever seems to get me through the present.
When I was a kid, I dreamed of fast cars, big mansions and money falling from the sky. I dreamed of my own bedroom. I dreamed of finally going to Disney. Nantucket. A birthday party just for me.
I daydreamed so badly that I clocked out of my waking life. I would stare into space and imagine myself as Bella Swan or Katniss Everdeen. Hermione. I was slaying metaphorical dragons and kissing vampires. I imagined my mother as Professor Umbridge and her conga line of boyfriend’s as Voldemort. I wondered where my Dad was.
My therapist says my habit is funny in the sense that I had these big, sweeping dreams for myself but I lack the skill of execution. This is true.
However, this habit has truly given me the courage to try new things.
Running
I’ve had this long-term goal of becoming a runner. I did some research, determined I needed new shoes and then I could just get out there and hit the pavement.
Reader, I walked the mile in high school.
I have never ran continuously without wheezing ever in my life. I assumed because I wasn’t humongous and do a lot of cardio that this was a non-issue. I didn’t account for the initial embarrassment of running (you kinda just have to take off and it’s so awkward) and the movement of my body. I tried once for 15 minutes, decided that was enough and have not attempted to do it again.
Circus Camp
When I was a kid, I was in circus camp for a while. It was primarily for low-income kids so my mother dumped me there every summer. They had us try out a bunch of different circus acts — unicycling, stilts, juggling, acrobatics.
I always had a shit attitude because I was horrible at all of it and had an aversion toward embarrassment. The single time I got on stilts, I walked a few inches before I swiftly crashed to the ground. Beyond pissed off, I screamed for someone to take the wraps off my legs. The teenage counselors let me sit there until I dropped the attitude, long wooden sticks strapped to my legs and all.
So I got dumped in Art every year and had the pleasure of designing the set pieces for our production. Despite this, I did like circus camp and after the first year, I was fully convinced I was better than everyone else.
The Star of the Play (Almost)
Sixth grade started. Someone announced a school play and I decided I was the best person for the job. I telepathically let everyone know to not even bother auditioning because they had already found their star. I got up on stage, delivered my lines like the part was already mine and confidently glided off stage. They canceled the school play a few weeks later.
The Singer That Wasn’t
My mother had me convinced for years that I was an amazing singer. It was so bad I’m fully convinced she would have Britney Spears’d me if she had the right connections. I hated singing and she would make me do it in front of family at every given opportunity.
In spite of this, I auditioned to sing the national anthem in elementary school. I went to the music room during lunch, decided I should go first and then proceeded to cry in front of everyone the second she handed me the microphone. My lovely music teacher even let me try again. I got a few words in and then proceeded to cry again. I think I ran from the room from embarrassment.
My Biggest Hype Man
These moments of my life — of sheer humiliation — amounted to nothing but a past moment of hilarity. I’ve tackled boys I’ve had crushes on. I’ve sang Get Back by Demi Lovato on the playscape so everyone would stop and tell me I was a good singer.
My therapist can call it daydreaming, but I’m convinced I am my biggest hype man. If you give me a few minutes, I can convince myself to do anything I put my mind to.
Because at the end of the day, dreaming is just execution’s messy older sister. She’ll embarrass you, hype you up, and still shove you back on stage.