how can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 23?
on dreams, panic attacks, and realizing my Communications degree doesn’t come with a map
It’s hard for me to admit to myself that I’m feeling lost after college. I always thought that I would go, graduate, and have this amazing job in an amazing city. I would make more friends and everything else in my life would fix itself somehow. I’m feeling lost because I feel like I have no plan. Jobs I’ve applied to won’t hire me. I’m undecided about whether to go back to school or not. There are so many options and things I could spend my time doing and I honestly want to do them all.
The one thing my therapist keeps asking me is “Why not give yourself the time to explore and figure out what you want to do?” My answer is always I’m not sure, but that feels like a “white person” thing. I come from a working-class family that didn’t attend college right after high school. My parents wanted to start a family, so a job with decent benefits was the goal. My thing is that I went to college for said job with decent benefits. Where the fuck is it? Every entry-level job wants 3-5 years of experience for $18 an hour. I have applied to quite literally every job you can think of and I can’t even get hired to answer a phone and file fucking paperwork. I don’t know how many more rejection letters and Workday applications I can take. I’m quite literally going insane.
Part of it is my fault. I didn’t intern and network in college. I was shy and overweight and I still couldn’t answer the question “So tell me about yourself?” without stuttering. I didn’t make any friends at CCSU and would keep my head down for most of the class. I kick myself every day for essentially wasting my time for the last four years. To top it off, I have a Communications degree, which I get told I can do so much with, BUT APPARENTLY, EVERYONE IS ALSO A COMM MAJOR BECAUSE THE MARKET IS OVERSATURATED AND I CAN’T FIND A JOB.
Mind you, I’m applying to retail and food service jobs as well because I still have bills I have to pay. It’s just so discouraging because I feel like I’m not advancing. I didn’t need a college degree for any of these jobs. It’s only been 6 months, but that thought creeps in that maybe I’m already doing what I’m supposed to for the rest of my life. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a Bookseller forever. After that, I usually have a panic attack or begin to cry.
This is also the first time in my life I have absolutely nothing going on. Sure, I have goals but there’s nothing major happening for me. I’m not in school and unsure if I want to return any time soon. I don’t have kids or something (thank god.) It’s just like, ‘What’s next?’ Not to mention I’m one of those people who take so much pride in my academic achievements because I seem to fail at every other aspect of my life. I fail at dating, communicating, and making more friends the list goes on and on. As someone who wants to be a healthy, well-rounded individual, it hurts a lot to feel like I fail at so many things. I take long breaks from LinkedIn because it sucks seeing people I went to high school with achieve so many great things and travel and have these super awesome lives, while I continuously struggle.
In an ideal world, I’m rich and Instagram famous for doing nothing besides being attractive. I post my daily fit pics and everyone likes it and wishes they had my life. I want to do something creative and fun with my life. Maybe I always knew this to be true because I went to school for Communications and not something that would make me money. Perhaps, I just need to pick a dream and work toward it.
I’m watching Awkward and thinking about who I was in high school and I’m thinking about all the hopes and dreams I had then. I’m thinking about Taylor Swift and how she said “How can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22?” and I’m realizing that she’s right and that I know nothing. I’m realizing my parents were right too. I just don’t want to be one of those people who are 35 and still “figuring it out.” At what age do we let our dreams die and finally grow up? I’m really hoping it’s not 23.