the cool girl is dead. long live the instagram slide.
a critique of the coquette-coded girl and the aesthetic pick-me
Warning: You can’t express anything on the Internet without people purposely misunderstanding you.
Does everyone remember this TikTok audio that went viral in 2021?
It was inspired by an edit of Amy Dunne from Gone Girl reciting the “Cool Girl Monologue.” The “Cool Girl” is the ultimate girlfriend in that she likes every single thing the man likes and never nags or complains. She remains always thin and always beautiful for his consumption. She’s never described as funny or even smart because who cares? The men these pretender women attract certainly don’t.
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When I saw this TikTok earlier this week I was surprised to find how pissed some (white) women are about it. It’s all “internalized misogyny” and she’s not a “girl’s girl.” As she described this fictional Emily, I could only picture her boyfriend. Her boyfriend calls film “cinema” because he thinks it makes him seem like an intellectual, he also probably plays guitar and he just bought a digital camera and started a photography account on Instagram that just has a one word @. He majored in English, cause duh and he only reads the Classics. His name starts with a J or it’s like Connor. He adores these pretender women because he’s always the smart one when they’re together. He’s always the funniest because these women don’t command any space. I speak my truth and can acknowledge that as a professional hater, it’s annoying watching seemingly boring women snatch these guys up left and right. Regardless, my beef will always be with the men and the passive misogyny at play.
It’s interesting watching the Internet flip-flop from loving the Cool Girl to hating her because “Emily” is just the Professional Photographer's boyfriend’s accessory. Here’s the Cool Girl Monologue for your reading pleasure because I’m about to make some connections, baby!
“It’s okay for women to not like things!” “You don’t know this girl at all, so why are you judging her?” “This girl isn’t a pick me!” GIRL, BYE! “Emily” is just one type of many different Boyfriend Accessories. You can change the window dressing depending on the Boyfriend. Gillian Flynn says if the guy is vegetarian, the girl loves seitan. If the guy is a hipster artist, the girl is a tatted nerd with glasses who loves comics. The fictional “Emily” is a Photography guy’s wet dream. She’s very Anthropologie/Urban Outfitters to his Pacsun, it’s quite literally a match made in heaven. What kills me is that the woman in the TikTok brings up the “artsy, baddie girlfriend with baby bangs and a bad father,” which sounds equally as awful as Emily, but no one is mentioning that.
In my heart of hearts, I genuinely believe that this is a wider issue of Gen Z women having no identity outside of the Internet. You’re so bothered by this fictional character because you’re afraid it’s you. You’re so afraid that you’re boring and that’s why women cling to these random microtrends to tell them how to dress and act. Everyone is so “coquette, Lana Del Rey, office siren, mob wife, coastal grandmother, pilates princess, Y2K”- coded until someone finally tells you you’re boring. You lack authenticity and it is so obvious. At one point, I saw dozens of Instagram bios of women comparing themselves to Amy Dunne and Nina Sayers. You’re so crazy and so unique, but it stops being funny when someone calls you out on your bullshit? Women are so obsessed with being this Cool Girl or Candid Girlfriend, but when someone makes fun of you now it’s an issue. It’s “you’re not a girl’s girl.” Oh no, a bunch of random women on the Internet I don’t know don’t like me, how will I go on? You can always opt out if you don’t want someone to make fun of you for how you present yourself online. Learn to live your life without an audience. You bleach your brows because you saw someone else on TikTok do it. You give yourself a nicotine addiction for the Instagram likes. It’s all vibes and no thoughts, just like that girl said.
Candid Girlfriend does exist. She’s the Cool Girl. She’s the It Girl. She’s the Kylie Jenner’s, Devon Carlson’s and coquette, cunty office siren, mob wives of the world. She’s the image designed for your consumption as you passively scroll on Instagram. Women should aim a little higher than being the third slide on his Instagram photo dump. Truthfully, you should be aiming for the first. #35mm