dad rock, blood, and a denim mini: a review of The Hitcher (2007)
a rewatch of The Hitcher (2007) featuring helicopters, Nine Inch Nails, and zero realism
Spoilers below~
When I was a kid, I used to be terrified of the horror aisle at Blockbuster. My mom loved walking down it, even though she knew I hated it, so I’d cover my eyes and sprint past like the DVD covers were going to grow legs and chase me. This exact movie cover was probably on display, waiting to give me a nightmare.
Not everyone appreciates a good 1-hour-and-25-minute movie, but I do.
I review everything based entirely on vibes—did I have fun? That’s it. I might occasionally mention cinematography, but I’m not here to talk about framing, lighting, or whatever. Who cares? I’m not a film bro.
The Vibes Checklist:
✔ How many memorable scenes are there?
✔ How cute are the clothes?
✔ Did I laugh?
✔ Did the people I watched it with find it entertaining?
That’s it.
Quick Recap
The Hitcher is a remake of the 1980s movie of the same name. A couple goes on a road trip to… somewhere (I wasn’t listening, honestly) and ends up giving a hitchhiker a ride to a motel. He attacks them, they kick him out, and the next day he hitches a ride with a family—who he then brutally murders.
The couple gets involved because, of course, white people are incapable of minding their business. The hitchhiker then spends an entire weekend stalking them somewhere in Arkansas or New Mexico or wherever.
It’s billed as a horror movie, but it’s not scary at all. The hitchhiker completely ignores movie logic and somehow:
Ties a grown man between two semis and rips him apart.
Shoots down a helicopter with a pistol—while Closer by Nine Inch Nails plays in the background.
Michael Bay (producer) never knows what he wants his movies to be, which honestly gives them so much character. Action? Horror? Military propaganda? Who’s to say. Certainly not Michael Bay!
The Vibes
How many memorable scenes are there?
The above-mentioned helicopter scene? Iconic.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“I don’t feel a thing.”
1000/10. So cunty.
I saw this clip on Twitter and immediately knew I had to watch it.
How cute are the clothes?
Sophia Bush is serving final girl realness in a denim mini and brown tank top. I had just watched the entire Resident Evil franchise last week, and it’s so funny how every final girl in the 2000s had to wear as little clothing as possible.
Did I laugh?
Hysterically.
Did the people I watched it with find it entertaining?
This was a solo viewing, unfortunately.
Final Thoughts
I’m starting a Letterboxd list of 2000s teen slashers (Sorority Row, The Roommate, The Stepfather—you get it). I need a funny name for it, so suggestions are welcome.
We are in a severe drought of horror movies that end with Dad Rock over the credits. Bring that era back—it’s literally so badass.
Rating: 6/10. Or 3/5 for my Letterboxd baddies.