they say self-love can't replace romantic love
more thoughts on romance that no one asked for
Introduction
There’s a fundamental misunderstanding of a certain phrase spreading across TikTok, and it’s been driving me insane for weeks:
“You must love yourself before you can love another person.”
For some reason, this has young women in a tizzy. The go-to rebuttal is always: “No amount of self-love will replace romantic or platonic love.”
Which is true — but also completely misses the point.
No one is saying that loving yourself makes you immune to wanting connection. It’s human to crave closeness. What the phrase actually means is that you cannot love someone fully or correctly if all of your energy is poured into begging the universe to deliver them to you.
Correctly - being defined as without codependency. The universe is laughing with me as I type this out.
All of my relationships are codependent to an extent. I rely on everyone to regulate me emotionally. Suffering in isolation didn’t work either. It makes me depressed and allows a space for shame to fester.
We tell men this all the time, but women need to hear it too (myself included). You don’t get love by asking extra nicely.
Now, I’ve sobbed and boohooed and whined and begged about this in therapy.
Why, oh why, does it seem like I’m being subjected to some cosmic punishment? I reap so hard I’m not even sure what I sowed.
Perhaps I’m being handed some ancestral karma. Some man in my bloodline did a woman so dirty that she cursed his daughters for generations to come. I like to imagine this scenario because it is ridiculous and makes me laugh.
The Cultural Standstill
Anyway, what unsettles me most is this cultural standstill we’re in. Millions of people, chronically online, refuse to do the work — or even acknowledge that maybe we need to reframe how we talk about love in public forums. We discuss love under the guise of transaction, ‘we live in a what can you do for me’ culture.
It’s so me, me, me that we miss the point. You do have to inconvenience yourself for love and at best connection. Sometimes, you have to do it scared.
These Internet people don’t want to rewrite the rules, to admit that friendships are just as essential as romance. Instead, the focus is on squeezing into the system as it already exists.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with that impulse, but it’s fascinating how quickly we give up rather than demanding more of each other.
Individualism and Disconnection
The irony is that American individualism — built on hustle, grind, and survival — has left us so disconnected that romance becomes the only “solution.” The working poor yearn for community and they don’t even realize it.
Never mind that thousands of unhappy couples post daily about being stuck in joyless long-term relationships. Married women make entire TikToks complaining about their partners not washing dishes or forgetting their birthday. This mythical dream partner may not solve your self-esteem issues. Just like losing weight didn’t solve mine. And trust me, I hate that those people were right.
The TikTok that triggered this whole rant even ended with a depressing admission: the creator doesn’t enjoy her own company and finds no fulfillment in herself.
That’s not just personal — that’s systemic. Pandemic isolation, yes, but also social media dependency.
Connection doesn’t magically fall from the sky, and people don’t anoint you as worthy of it just because you declare yourself so. If you decide you’re worth the effort and keep the promises you make to yourself, you open the door for others to meet you there.
The Uncomfortable Truths
There’s nothing romance can do for you that you cannot do for yourself.
You’re not “special” simply because you’re partnered.
But our culture inflates romance in the same way it inflates thinness.
Think about the panic over Ozempic: if everyone is thin, then who is “better”? If everyone has thigh gaps, where does hierarchy go?
The same logic applies to relationships. If everyone refuses to define themselves by romance, what happens to the system that thrives on comparison and scarcity?
From a sociological perspective, I find the concept of love and why we cling to it so fascinating. The r/Waiting_to_Wed subreddit is dedicated to THOUSANDS of people (mostly women) expressing their desire to marry after being with their partner for years. They hand out ultimatums, manipulate and concoct plans to get a proposal. Sometimes it works and most of the time it does not.
Reject the system. Reject capitalism. Seek peace.
My Reality
I don’t have the answers. There’s no quick fix for loneliness.
I spend every single day becoming friendly with my own. But I do my best to try and see the lesson in the fog. I do things that bring me joy and don’t wait around for my life to find me.
My life is happening now.
I’m here.
I’m here.